“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; 2 from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, 3 for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. 4 Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah” – Psalm 61:1-4 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father – Help me Lord, as I share and I am healed form my past. I can only write this with an abundant outpouring of your grace. Help me while I am obedient in sharing. Let my testimony strengthen, encourage, and heal others; and most importantly, let it glorify you. In the name of Jesus – Amen
As I said in yesterday’s post – I am uprooting one plant at a time – telling you my testimony and letting God complete the healing within me. I started to pull and even thought the surface looked small its root system was deep and goes all the way back to my beginning and I think we have uprooted it all – all interconnected.
My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten, age 5 or 6. I don’t remember much. I have heard stories from both sides and from my siblings. My parents fought a lot and violently and my mother drank all the time. Then we lived with just my dad. Then we lived with just my mom and visited my dad. My mom didn’t want us at first and she dated a few men. One gave us all waterbeds. It all seemed to make since that my parents didn’t live together anymore – they didn’t fight as much since they didn’t see each other. I adjusted quickly and continued being a happy over energized child.
My mom settled down with a guy (he moved in with us) and they started going to church (and taking us). They got married when I was 7. We moved to the country later that year (mid-school year). I maintained being a happy, well-adjusted child who was probably too full of energy! (Since birth I had many of the symptoms of my disabilities which did include temper tantrums and defiant behaviors – but they were obviously my disabilities and overall, I was happy and well adjusted.)
The first summer in the new house – my world forever changed. The next year in school I acted out and became an unruly child. My grades and learning went downhill. Apparently I was worse at home as well – this was the year they didn’t know how to deal with me anymore and I started the process of testing which lead to all of my current diagnoses: Asperger’s Syndrome, High IQ, ADHD, Impulse Control Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and more. Due to my very high IQ, the following school year they put me in the gifted class, assuming I was acting out because I was bored.
The truth was, my sister and I were getting sexually abused by my stepfather. The abuse continued on and off for years. We were in high school (around 15?) when mom finally kicked him out. He wasn’t gone long (4 to 6 months?) because we were poor – even when he was there we were poor, but mom couldn’t manage to feed 3 kids and work and deal with two of us with “special needs” and manage her drinking. Mom didn’t finally leave him until I was 27, and he was accused of abusing another child.
My mother’s drinking binges were on and off after she married him – not steady. But she was always unpredictable. You never knew if you were coming home from school to “nice-mom” or if she was going to beat us with whatever object was closet. She was unable to be consistent, keep promises, or control her rage.
You don’t know how hard it is to tell this story. I may not have the details (like age and months) correct, but I don’t know if that matters.
I accepted Christ for the first time as my Lord and savior when I was 7. Let me tell ya – I had faith! I believed every bit of it. Because I had these behavioral problems, mom often kept me with her at church and I saw God move! And I understood it. I have been to prayer meetings that shake a church! Mom was always worried that someday “they” would come for our Bibles. So, mom made us memorize our Bibles. Especially me – probably because I wasn’t acting out when I was memorizing. I have a good chunk memorized and I am very glad for it.
I have all these glorious memories of all that God did all while at home I lived in fear. Don’t get me wrong – there were definitely good time – but I do not want to uproot the good that God gave me and my siblings to manage through the bad. Looking back, through the knowledge and love of Christ that I have now, I see all the grace. So much grace! I never heard a sermon on grace growing up, at least that I can remember – but this past year, God has given me such a revelation of grace. And looking back at it – He has always blessed me with such an abundance of it.
I recall, I prayed for help – prayed for a way out – prayed for God to save me – and the passage above was my hope. I remember night after night begging God to make it all stop. I even prayed He would take me from this life. But by grace He helped me get through it.
I recently watched a sermon about how trauma can open a door for demonic strongholds. In my life – I see that is it quite possibly true. Abusing a child is a spirit of rebellion and obviously an impure (sexual) spirit. Alcoholism is a spirit of addiction. Also, many things like addiction and a spirit of infirmity can also be passed down from generation to generation – and some of the strongholds in my life have been.
Despite loving God and trying to have a relationship with Him, I had learned acting out as a means of coping and as I got older that turned into rebellion which inevitably became rebellion against God. (Anyone wonder where I picked up the rebellious spirit?) I learned afterschool activities and church activities were a means to escape and as I got older, drugs and alcohol became a means to escape and a door opened to addiction. (Anyone else seeing a pattern?)
I believed a lie – I was not lovable. My parents had flat out said it, besides the way they treated me. Desperate for love I explored every avenue to be loved. Desperation leads to bad decision and that leads to more pain, more abuse, and more poor coping. I ran into the arms of anyone – anyone – who said they would love me – I ran in with all my rebellion, impurity, addiction and lies. And couldn’t understand why I got hurt every single time.
Then comes a long list of bad decisions and behavior that led to a long list of “been there, done that” of sins. If it’s a sin, I probably have participated in some way in it. Sigh.
I learned I was not safe. I don’t know if I ever have even felt safe.
I suppose at this point, you might say with my poor coping skills, it is all justified – but it isn’t. God reveal His truth to me as a child. Never say children cannot comprehend the Bible or things of God – because I could and did and knew very well there was another way. I was wrong and have since repented of it. But now as an adult all that trauma has left some interesting trigger responses in me – that must stop. I must be completely delivered. Emptied so the Holy Spirit can fill the void.
I still do not trust people. I do not take showers unless I am home alone and the house is locked up tight. I meet people who aren’t predictable and consistent and I become more guarded and sometimes panic. I cannot miss a goal, therefore I am driven to just get everything done as fast as I can without setting goal, pacing myself, or practicing better planning. I dislike surprises so much that even if it is a good surprise I might actually get upset and cry. And I think I might always feel like, if I can just love everyone enough, everything will be alright.
That last one – Just love everyone… that has a lot of scriptural backing. We might want me to keep the part about loving everyone – let’s dump the part about my love fixing anything. Only God’s love and mercies can heal.
As I have shared before how God brought me back – laying on the flood crying while my world was falling down around me and said, come on child, I got you – time to let Me love you. And grace transformed me!
It took me a week to compose this, sorry it is so long. I confess I cleaned it up for all of you. This is dirty rotten work. And every night I lay awake mulling over the past. Praying to God and fighting to control my mind as it wanders off to seek revenge for pains or as it begins to believe I am unlovable (Again, it’s a lie – I AM LOVABLE).
I was unsure what to do with all this. I want to be healed of the remnants of pain. I want to be free from any bondages created. I don’t have a beautiful plump lamb to lay on an altar and sacrifice to my heavenly father (besides, Jesus took the place on the altar for my sins). But symbolically speaking I laid my sins and my hurt and that tightening of my throat and my pounding heart and my tears and my fears on God’s altar.
Dear God this hurts. Lord that hurts. Remember when this happened – that really sucked. Remember when that happened – that was horrible. Lord – this, I don’t even have words for it can you just do what you do with it? That person, please deal with them and save them – the other person, please deal with them and save them. Oh God, Oh God! Save me! Heal me please.
Yep, this is how I laid awake. This is how I dealt with my waking hours as floods of things rose to the surface.
I do not have many bible verses to share – I did not find a blue print for working through these things. But as each came up, I felt it and acknowledged it, I acknowledge any sin I have committed in association with it, I begged for forgiveness and help with forgiving those people involved. I asked God to pull it out at the roots and fill that space with the Holy Spirit.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24 NIV
Ah, this is what He is doing. Night and day. Each morning I expected to wake up feeling new, or different. But this is a deep change, not a surface change.
I also fought the lies: this isn’t working. Why are you trudging up all this nonsense? This isn’t God and this isn’t necessary. Ooof – there are things with stronghold that do not want to leave.
The day I began this process, my mother fell ill – she said it was her autoimmune disease. She hurt and had difficulty moving and a migraine. I checked on her for the first few days – things got worse and she also became confused and scared. She became angry that I was calling. So I stopped. I pulled at this demonic weed and the ancestral one(s) dug into her. Either it will break and I will be free, or it will be pulled up from her as well. I have not checked on her, but judging by the fact that she hasn’t called me, I think it broke – making me free and her in bondage.
But I cannot leave this on a down note – Let me tell you the things God did do this week: He revealed Himself is powerful ways over things I was helpless against. God orchestrated this whole marvelous times of healing. It’s such a huge hug – I am in His care and promises. God is real. I believe. He is not only capable of healing me, He wants to heal me and He is healing me.
I was able to witness to 2 more co-workers. Both battling fear and anxiety. I have been able to follow up with them as well. One gave her heart to the Lord and has begun her relationship with a great and mighty God – whose love and mercy is unimaginably amazing.
If you don’t already, and today you would like to have a relationship with a God who can communicate with you and be part of your life (and protect you) – one who is full of mighty power and tender love, then please know that I have put the “A, B, C’s of Salvation” in my introduction. Please click here to follow the link.**
Thank you for reading ~ Grace be with you
Be healthy and blessed ~ Love one another
~ Watch and Pray ~
Seek God & keep your eyes on Jesus!
Maranatha ~ Come Lord Jesus!