But I don’t want to obey – A three year old’s temper tantrum coming from this adult body minus the flailing arms and stomping feet…
Here it is Folks – This walking with God isn’t easy.
Sunday’s service was about faith. I think, hey I am all about that Faith thing! God has given me the grace to Faith it through! Oh yeah! I’m a faith girl! He turns to Hebrews 11!!! Whoo-hoo! Faith hall of fame! Someday I want to be in that hall of fame! And he describes 4 types of faith.
First, believing when you do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Ok, I got this. I believe God is working, even when I cannot see it! I believe that! I’m good I have it! I know it’s not easy for many but God will give you signs and reassurances in his word if you seek them.
Second, obeying when I don’t understand it (Heb. 11:7-8). I never understand how God is doing it. Put the word obey aside and I have faith when I don’t understand!!! I am rocking this!
Third, giving when I don’t have (Heb 11:4). Well, I already told you I am in the midst of a financial crisis. I don’t have. I heard a guy at church say when he was convicted about not tithing and started to, and he and his family never even felt the pinch. They never noticed that 10% missing from their family’s budget. I started tithing and I feel the pinch. I have to cut more out of my life and I was already running on the “without” side of the meter. God has been and keeps on providing. I believe; and tithe in faith of that promise. Look at me go!!! 3 for 3 in this hall of fame.
Finally, persisting when I don’t feel like it (Heb. 11:27). My inner cheerleader was silenced. … … … … .
I type away in faith. I do my bible studies on faith – because of the grace of it all and quite frankly grace and faith are sprinkled throughout the Bible. I stir up the faith like in 2 Timothy 1:6
“Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands.”
These posts are meant to encourage me and you.
But then “when I don’t feel like it” hit a chord I was stirring loudly to drown out.
God has told me to pray for my cherished friend that he would restore his relationship with him and to restore my relationship with him. I love my sweet man a whole lot (probably more than I have ever loved another) – and this sounds great! I obey, mostly. I persist, mostly. I kind of kept a part back.
If restoration is to happen, then I have to work on me. I’m on fire over here speaking faith into every situation but I do not want to work on the broken hurting walled up depths of me. Doesn’t God understand how deeply this man hurt me? Forgiveness is a battle I fight every day. Didn’t God read my post the other day about my struggle with Love? I am doing a devotional book on love (or maybe it is doing its thing on me). It is hard. I’ve gotten to the point many times where I say – Lord, draw my friend to you, but not back to me. Then God reminds me of his will for me – and the things he has told me.
As I sit listening to the sermon, my sweet man is sitting next to me – because of some miracle he came to church with me. I should be rejoicing!!! Instead in the pit of my gut, turning, is the knowledge that he was out with another woman the night before. He puts his arm around me, and I want so badly for that. But his arm was around another woman the night before. I want to say: “ya know what God? I prayed. I did as you told me. I am done. I don’t want to keep hurting. Find someone else to show him your love. Burden someone else with the weight of praying him into where you want him. I am too hurt.”
Wanna talk about the difference between conviction and condemnation? Cause what floods over me every time I want to say that is conviction!
I quickly rethink and say: “ok God, I’ll pray. But I don’t think I can ever get over all this hurt and broken trust. So, I’ll pray him to you. Not to me.”
Conviction again!!! It’s almost an audible voice, stern in tone, yet full of grace and mercy:
“Don’t you think I hurt? Don’t you think watching him put his selfish flesh before me hurts me? Don’t you think I am grieved by his arrogant attitude that his free-will is a rival to me? Don’t you think I want him too? Don’t you know I want that intimate relationship with him too? What do you think I did on the Cross? Blood, death, fighting the law set in place so that all can be saved <- don’t you think that hurt too?!?!”
By this point I am in tears. Yes, Lord. How does God tolerate me when I provoke him like this a bit lately?
Since Sunday I am still struggling. God has healed so much, but at this point the work in me must be done by me as well as by him. We have gotten deep enough that it is team work. And as I struggle to persist and persevere – I realize it’s an obedience thing. And didn’t I write a whole post on being obedient in faith – by grace. Awww that sweet grace to help me through this. That grace that strengthens faith!
Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”
Grace! And saving me from myself!!!
I know I have a long way to go until I can get into the Faith Hall of Fame, but by grace I shall persist, persevere.
Stirring myself up – Cause it’s not about my will being done. But God’s will being done. As I said before: here I am, use me.
Apparently God is saying: Ok, in just a moment, I have to work on you a little bit first.
Thanks for reading; please pray for me while I battle my flesh and surrender more to God. He will work all things for his glory and the good of those he cares for (like me and you).